The start of a year finds most people creating various goals in the effort to start the year off right. But before you set your goals now or at any time of year, it’s worthwhile asking yourself - are you making them because you want to, or because it’s something you think you should be doing
A want is something that is more naturally aligned to our needs and values and therefore will feel lighter and more effortless to achieve. Conversely, a should adds pressure to our natural way of being, and will feel rigid and heavy
Psychologically, with a should we often have set this goal to please others or appear to be doing the “right” thing, however a want derives from our inner desires and values. Research shows, when setting goals, or making some changes to your life, an enjoyment component or reward is very important. This will make your goal more attainable, and make you feel good about yourself while achieving your goal
“Setting goals because you want to, is very different to setting goals out of a feeling of obligation or unworthiness”
For example, say the sentence “I want to have more social connections” now say the sentence “I should have more social connections”. You can really feel the difference emotionally. “I want to” feels more enjoyable and “I should” feels like hard work
Give yourself some dedicated time to start reflecting on your goals. Do they feel light and enjoyable? If your answer is NO, then your chances of maintaining this goal is low. It probably means it’s more of a should resolution/goal than a want resolution/goal.
With that said, don’t give up on it! It simply means you may need to re-think this resolution/goal and reframe or approach it in a different way. Your therapist can help you with reframing a should into a want. Together, we can explore the types of fun that motivates you and support you in taking ownership of the goal
Some other fun ways you can realign to your true goals and a state of flow are:
1. Recall memories that conjure up really strong feelings of happiness, safety, feeling supported and confident. Then, use this happy feeling that you have conjured by writing down a word (e.g. laughter) that will trigger this happy safe memory. Use that word to set your goal. For example, “I want more social connections that make me laugh”
2. If there are specific people or locations associated with the memories that conjure up strong feelings of happiness and safety, then get in touch with those people or use those locations. For example, get in touch with people you haven’t seen in a long time, but you know they make you laugh. Or if a goal is to read more books, then use the “happy and safe” location and read a book at that spot
3. If possible reconnect with people or things that are connected to your happy places. Taking the time to connect in this way will give you a motivational boost and help you to tap into resolutions/goals that are wants and align to your true values
4. Visualise success: Visualise yourself achieving your goals and how that will feel. Use this visualization as motivation to keep working towards your goals
Remember, setting motivating goals is an ongoing process. It's important to review your goals regularly and make adjustments as necessary. Celebrate your successes along the way, and don't be too hard on yourself if you experience setbacks