Lifehacker Feature

What is a deal-breaker?

According to Ilona, a deal-breaker is “an intolerable behaviour or difference between people in a relationship that both will not compromise on. Usually, a deal-breaker can lead to the end of the relationship.”

Ilona noted that deal-breakers are uniquely personal, and what may be a deal-breaker for one may not register as an issue for another. For example, differences in morals, standards, values, religion, lifestyle can all be deal-breakers.

“Major differences in future hopes and dreams of life direction such as whether to have children or where to live are also common deal-breakers. Other deal-breakers are intolerable behaviours such as physical or psychological abuse”

What are the signs a behaviour is worth ending a relationship over?

A certain level of self-awareness is required to understand when a relationship is worth ending. Ilona recommended reflective practices, like journaling, which can help individuals gain a greater understanding of whether there’s a serious deal-breaker at play or just a minor boundary violation.

“The uncomfortable truth is your psychologist, family, and friends don’t actually have the answer – you do. So be prepared to sit with yourself and get brutally honest,” said Ilona. 

Ilona also noted that it’s essential for couples to vocalise what is or is not okay for you, even if the conversations are initially difficult to have.

“Be specific with naming the behaviour you don’t want rather than criticising your partner, and use those ever-useful ‘I’ statements like, ‘I feel’, ‘I want’ and ‘I need’. If your boundaries are still getting violated, even after you have communicated with them, it is time to think about whether the relationship is right for you,” she added. 

“Boundary violations can be physical, emotional, intellectual, sexual, material and time. Ongoing severe boundary violations often lead to erosion of self-worth and self-esteem. Eventually, it results in the person needing to choose themselves over the relationship to maintain their own psychological or physical wellbeing.”

To read the full article and more on dealbreakers click HERE